The Last Saturday

Riding on the bus can be like entering a separate reality where time and space no longer exist in their normal state. Maybe it's the fluorescent lighting or the other passengers but if you don't take the bus regularly it can feel very unnatural or even dangerous as you are confined to a space with people you don't/can't trust. Other than that it is nice to have someone else do the driving even if they don't drop you off exactly when and where you want to go. I guess you can consider riding the bus an art form of sorts, an abstract one at that.

Return

My last post was on March 11th 2009. It seems almost impossible but then I remember I didn't post for a year when I was to depressed to write. That is not the case now in fact it is hard to believe that everything has gone so well. My excuse is plain and simple fatigue. I have been to tired to write. Too tired to make the mental effort to form words and then use those words to form sentences, at least anything that I would consider worth reading. Anytime I found myself with time to write I could not bring myself to even pretend I would write.

A regular customer came in today earlier than usual and started telling me about his day and one of things he said 'it's good day to reflect'. That is something I made more time for these days and part of the reason I have not posted in months. I find most of my post are reflections of recent events and thoughts in which a pattern exists. When the pattern is discovered I write. I don't enjoy writing about my daily activities or working too hard to find a subject about which to write. I want the words to flow out of me for if I pause too long the moment is gone and I find myself lost and will not post an entry that has no importance to me. The lack of reflection and my propensity to get lost in time and lose touch gets in my way when it comes to maintenance, whether it's my blog my health my laundry or any project that I started but never really started and certainly never finished. Once again I make an effort to write and just like anything we will see how long it lasts.

What the Frak is Going On

This seems to happen to me a lot lately, starting in the middle of my train of thought. Finished reading Vesa's fnord words and couldn't help but feel inspired to write myself after digesting a brilliant rant like that(No thanks I am am full). Working in the restaurant industry for many years has given me a chance to see people out living their lives on a daily basis. Going through the motions with activities and responsibilities that give meaning to what they consider to be existence. How did people 100, 1000 or 10,000 years ago find things to do in daily life. Maybe they were too busy worrying about things like food, shelter, disease to have the time to think of time in terms of daily life. Now that a large percentage of people have the luxury of food and shelter being a given and disease being far less rampant than it was in previous times we have invented all kinds of things to occupy our time. Actions that impart self-importance and reason to our short pointless lives. As I was having my teeth cleaned on Monday the dentist stuck herself in the finger with the needle she was using to inject me with Novocaine and asked me if I was 'healthy' then left the room. She then returned and continued with her work as if nothing had happened happily chatting away about dogs or some other subject with her hygienist. This event did not strike me as odd until the next day when I asked my girlfriend what the dentist meant when she asked it I was healthy curious to know if there any diseases besides aids and maybe one or two others that my dentist could possibly worry about catching. That is about the only way you are going to contract a deadly disease besides cancer unless you engage in risky activity unrelated to your profession. The point of that long boring story is that we have very few things threatening our direct survival everything we fear only threatens our existing quality of life. We have such a small amount of genuine concern that people have time and energy to bother me with their ridiculous wants/needs/desires because the little things like being able to get the kind of soda we want and watch our favorite program on tv, and bitch about shit on our blog, make us feel like we are in control and able to make decisions that affect our life. The title of this blog for anyone not in the know is from a tv show called Battlestar Galactica where the human race is slowly being annihilated and are adrift in space essentially and continue to act as if they are in control and that the things they do makes any difference in the outcome of their lives. when the inevitable outcome of life is death, if your lucky.

Life goes on...

As I watched the beginning of the movie 'Deep Impact' last night as I refused to try and go to sleep the irony did not sink in. Only this morning as I watched people shovel snow and struggle to drive in it would I understand. In the movie the president tells the US that it is very likely that a giant asteroid is going to hit earth but that life will continue as normal paying bills going to work everything associated with daily life. And as I walked home in the deep fluffy drifts of snow that blanketed the ground watching people struggle to drive and to walk I remembered the quote from 'Deep Impact' and thought that if there was any chance at all that in a year the earth would be destroyed the last thing I would do was continue to go to work, pay bills, or anything considered part of daily life short of eating, sleeping, and shitting. What is it about soldiering on stoically that makes us feel important or gives us self worth. When did the main objective of humanity be merely to keep going no matter in what state or condition just keep going. That sounds like something they teach you in the army. How did we lose touch, if we were ever in touch, with the way we live and for what are we living. It seems to me that all we are living for is cable tv, ipods, porn, suv's, oreos, and any other material object you would care to name. We are wage slaves with no identity, no community, and no reason to live other than to prove to ourselves, and everyone else, that we are strong enough, and stupid enough, to get up and go to work everyday no matter how sick we are, no matter the weather, and no matter how pointless our jobs. It is like one giant world wide pissing contest and the prize for winning is absolutely nothing.

Blogging from iPod touch

Is it possible that I am now a pretentious asshole because I have this new device. I already have been yelled at for using it too much or for not paying attention cause I am using it. I never wanted to be that guy and maybe I am not but with wifi becoming more and more prevalent it is certainly easier. I know it will make riding the bus more tolerable.

Days go by - II

The last memory I have of being as scattered as I have felt of late is when I was living in L.A. and working six days a week. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I never got anything done. I was so tired when I got home I wouldn't do laundry or clean up my apartment I would just eat and drink, emphasis on the drink. Then for my one day off I would maybe go to the races, which made my day vanish into thin air as it was a 2 hour drive to the races and when I got home I had to go to bed. When I was remembering this while taking a shower a minute ago it made me realize or remember something important. When you don't make and effort to commit your time to interesting/important/fulfilling endeavors it is easy to spend all your time doing mostly one thing. Since I am not in school I don't work full time or have any regular activities that I engage in it is easy for me to get lost in spending my time being in a relationship. Being more active in a variety of things instead of just a few things might help me focus my energy more usefully than I feel I have been. And not just anything; something that will help change my situation and my station in life.

Days go by

All the days seem to run together lately and I find myself a little lost in my life right now, almost out of control. I just got interrupted by a phone call where I explained how that now with a girlfriend to spend all my time with I worry about what I am forgetting and what I am ignoring in my life. My time has been all my own, except for work, for so many years that I never had to prioritize it. Right now I can't even figure out what I am forgetting or ignoring since I am not taking the time to reflect that I once did. I have a very active social life and that used to be the only time I had people to spend time with before my new relationship. Now my social life and my relationship leave little time for my time or as I used to call it quiet time. Time to think, be, do nothing interact with nothing save maybe the tv, which is hardly interaction, read anything and everything on the internet I could find. I don't feel that I am giving up an amazing existence to have my relationship but I want to find a way to balance the rest of my life also.
Today my girlfriend started her new semester of college so I expect she will have less time to spend with me which in turn will give me more time to spend with myself. The fact that I met her right before the holidays and in between semesters of school meant less demands on her own time and more time with me. Given my propensity for throwing myself into things it does not surprise me that I find myself in this situation and I hope it doesn't seem like I am complaining because I am just attempting to understand something I have never experienced before in my post adolescent post college the most adult my life have ever been life.