State of Change

Where I am, what I am, who I am. These are things that I thought I knew. Events of the last years have we wondering more than ever. I have been striving to have a life free from the trappings of my mind. Free to be what it wants and be the best at it. Now I feel I have passed a tipping point. Maybe not THE tipping point but one that has given me a freedom I only dreamed of in years past and falsely thought I had achieved through previous actions. I understand now what I have known for years but fought against. In life there is no finish line, unless you count death and I'm a maybe on that right now, there is only perpetual motion. Salmon must swim upstream but I have a choice and I have beeen exercising that choice. One day I woke up and felt different than I ever have before.  Like somebody flipped switch I didn't even know was there. There isn't one thing I can point to but a series of action that have created momentum for change. It has not been easy and sometimes it has been downright painful.  I was so busy being upset that my life didn't turn out the way I wanted that I wasn't living the life I actually have.

In my life

Am I on a ride? Is this real? Who am I? Why am I here?  These are all valid questions. Right now I'm not sure. The recent events of my life have left me joyously perplexed. Until a few weeks ago I thought I knew how my life was going to be for the near future. Now day to day is a constant adventure. I got bit by a snake and I don't know that I'll ever be the same. What courses through my veins is not poison to be sure, but something much more potent than that. Feelings of hope and inspiration that I thought were a thing of the past and merely something to remember have reemerged with a vengeance. It scares me do death and yet I can't get enough. I've met someone that I was sure could not exist. Someone who can't possibly be real. I knew change was coming and I have seen plenty of it in my life the last few months but nothing like this was in the forecast. An impossibility but yet I have never been more sure in my life. How can this happen to me? How?!? I don't know the answer but I am grateful and accepting. So much has happened to me in the last year and so much more to come. I've never felt better or been more scared than I am right now.  An odd combination to be sure and yet it fits together like hand and glove.

Outlet

The last time I saw a good friend of mine he asked me what I am doing creatively since I have not been writing on my blog.  To be honest I miss writing more than I think and I know why I stopped posting on here regularly.  I got lost and perhaps am still lost just perhaps a little less.  When we ignore things they do not disappear or cease to exist they continue on their own.  I began to ignore my daily life and the less I payed attention the less I realized how destructive the behavior became.  You can't change anything if you fail to recognize it on a  daily basis.  We all have problems and peccadillo's that we must constantly work on in order to keep them at bay.  I stopped working on my life.  I have begun again and that is what brings me back to this blog after over a year.  Struggling with certain aspects of my life is something that will never end but I am starting to awaken from a long slumber of bad habits and negative living.  Sometimes I spend too much time waiting for things to happen and then reacting instead of making them happen myself.  Failing to be proactive is probably one of my biggest failings in life and has led me down a path that turns dark too easily and one thing I don't need help with is feeling down and depressed.  Part of me feels like this is just who I am, or at least became or allowed myself to become, and there is no recovery, solution, or anything else that will ever prevent from having lapses in my life when I struggle to maintain my daily life in a positive, healthy manner.  As part of my search for answers to questions like these, a puzzle that may never be finished, I did some research.  Here's the thing: I feel like I don't fit anywhere.  Like I don't belong. Odd man out; or however you wish to phrase it.  For years I have been telling people that I feel like I don't have a place in this world and that there is very little use for a versatile non-specialized jack of all trades master of none renaissance man.  Maybe I'm too smart too function in a world like this.  That I simply see the world in a way that is different than 90% of the people so when I bring counter point or objection or even just an unusual point of view it is hard for people to comprehend, let alone agree with, and when someone feels that way it can make them feel small, stupid, or just plain angry and frustrated.  I am sure I am not alone in feeling this way but I have a hunch that I am one of a small few.

Transition

Now that spring is upon us I am feeling the changes not just in the weather but in the attitude that it affords. Some will say that it is still cold out and I will say you may still be cold but you are wearing less clothing. That is the true change that I feel when things start to brighten when spring arrives. I can look good again when I dress to go out with style options, both clothing and hair, that are unavailable in the winter months. Winter seemed particularly brutal this year and many longtime residents of Milwaukee have agreed. I felt more trapped, less social and started to feel a little bit crazy as cold weather continued. Now that I am golfing again I am feeling more balanced and less crazy as social activity is increasing and the outdoors is once again enjoyable. There is still a part of me that is restless and anxious about some of the choices I make and I also know how hard I can be on myself. Maybe it is because I am turning 35 but I am less inclined to think an arbitrary number like age can affect me all that much. I think it is more likely that I am feeling a little stuck right now by my life. I love to over analyze and obsess about things and my life, just as I am sure many others have and do, and right now something just isn't making sense or at least feels unsettling. I think I am changing with the weather. Perhaps not entirely because of it but due in some part to the way your environment can spur change such as the famous 'spring cleaning' people do as they air out their dusty homes and flush them with fresh air I too am flushing my mind/body/soul with fresh air literally and figuratively. Sometimes I think I recognize the feeling that I have lately but its more like running into a friend you haven't seen in years who's appearance has changed but you recognize them immediately. The feeling is familiar but definitely unique. It's like I'm approaching something that I can't quite make out but its starting to come into focus little by little. I have noticed patterns in my conversations my behavior and I guess in all of who I am that can lead to clues about what I am experiencing on a deeper level. Interpreting signs in my life isn't something easy. The arc of a particular pattern will vary in length perhaps containing smaller patterns that you mistake for the ending of the larger one only to realize you are still moving inside of it and the end may never come. I feel like I am being to verbose and I often am but as always this blog serves to express my ideas not only to share with other but mostly for my own sake as I can learn something from my own writings that I may not learn just from thinking.

The Man Who Knew Too Much

When is it enough. We study everything these days in every way imaginable. Another test, experiment, trend, tendency, study, commission, committee, theory, interpretation, examination, you name it we found a way to dissect it. Is there such a thing as too much perspective? How much information is helpful and how much is overkill and/or useless? Has our over analysation led to a lack of originality and spontaneity? Ever since we found a way to domesticate ourselves with the structure of society we have reduced the need to focus on the basic tenets of survival and have the luxury of considering the many sides of the human experience with each generation tightening the focus a little more. We used to just have one kind of doctor but now we have specialists that only know how to cure a problem with your foot but you must find someone else to care for the other important parts of the human anatomy. Defining who we are is hard enough let alone defining what we do for a living or our favorite genre of music. When describing some of the simplest concepts one can lose track of the thing itself by refining the definition until you sacrifice clarity of comprehension. Me, myself I am one of the worst offenders of over explanation and I find great joy in reiterating things in a more concise manner and also know I am verbose to the point of obfuscating the essence of what I am trying to communicate.

The Waiting Game

As I sit typing these words I am about to embark upon yet another day of work. When I work in the afternoon it feels like a quasi day off. The day never feels right because I am just waiting for the inevitable coming of my shift. Even if I manage to accomplish some small task I usually 'waste' the time before I work sitting around reading the news on the internet and today spending the last few minutes before work talking to the universe through this blog. Today is special in a way since I am not working Wednesday as I normally would so at least I won't come home knowing I must awaken early in the morning for work. It is always the last ten minutes or so where I start to really fidget wanting to leave but not wanting to be early for work. See you in five or six hours. PEACE!

Out With the Old In With the New

As the circular nature of our world and our life continues we find ourselves at another predictable moment of celebration for an arbitrary occasion. As much as I like parties I have never been a big fan of obligatory soirees. Its too much pressure for me to have a good time when perhaps I just want to have a normal day. Maybe I am just holding on to old ideas that I have been thinking for years and maybe I am coming around on the whole thing but every birthday or holiday celebration always makes me feel like I have no choice in the matter. Acquiesce or face the stigma of going against the grain of not fitting in and being shunned by society(shunned might be a little strong). Perspective always enters into the conversation with me as I am constantly trying to better understand myself, others and our various motivations for our actions. Since I work in retail I find it necessary to fall in line when it comes to the pleasantries that people expect from me in that context. "Good morning", "have a nice day", "sure is cold outside", "what about that local sports team or other relevant information pertaining to our shared experiences". Despite that fact that I am the king of small talk and can over explain anything to my hearts content(this blog being a prime example of that) it gets boring saying the same things over and over again to the same people on the same days. I try to mix it up and give unusual, but coherent, responses to people's statements and questions but I only have so much energy to spend. After a long day at work talking to customers, or even coworkers, I often feel the need to socialize on a more informal level which usually involves me going to my favorite bar to strike up some interesting conversation with the other patrons. For those of you that don't spend much time drinking and talking, although I suspect none of you are reading this blog, you would be surprised how the conversation can wend and weave itself to all kinds of topics. Last night we talked about musical theory a subject I would not expect at a bar. At most bars much of what I overhear involves sports or nonsense, the two may be the same, for as we drink we digress or devolve into comfortable familiar and uncomplicated ideas; it just makes sense not to try and have intense interactions as our faculties are affected more and more by the alcohol. What does any of this have to do with anything? Everything! Our society is structured in predictable ways and most of what we do is scripted to an extent and as the new year fast approaches we are adhering to the script perfectly as we head to our various parties to ring in yet another arbitrary passage of time. HAPPY NEW YEAR!