Transition

Now that spring is upon us I am feeling the changes not just in the weather but in the attitude that it affords. Some will say that it is still cold out and I will say you may still be cold but you are wearing less clothing. That is the true change that I feel when things start to brighten when spring arrives. I can look good again when I dress to go out with style options, both clothing and hair, that are unavailable in the winter months. Winter seemed particularly brutal this year and many longtime residents of Milwaukee have agreed. I felt more trapped, less social and started to feel a little bit crazy as cold weather continued. Now that I am golfing again I am feeling more balanced and less crazy as social activity is increasing and the outdoors is once again enjoyable. There is still a part of me that is restless and anxious about some of the choices I make and I also know how hard I can be on myself. Maybe it is because I am turning 35 but I am less inclined to think an arbitrary number like age can affect me all that much. I think it is more likely that I am feeling a little stuck right now by my life. I love to over analyze and obsess about things and my life, just as I am sure many others have and do, and right now something just isn't making sense or at least feels unsettling. I think I am changing with the weather. Perhaps not entirely because of it but due in some part to the way your environment can spur change such as the famous 'spring cleaning' people do as they air out their dusty homes and flush them with fresh air I too am flushing my mind/body/soul with fresh air literally and figuratively. Sometimes I think I recognize the feeling that I have lately but its more like running into a friend you haven't seen in years who's appearance has changed but you recognize them immediately. The feeling is familiar but definitely unique. It's like I'm approaching something that I can't quite make out but its starting to come into focus little by little. I have noticed patterns in my conversations my behavior and I guess in all of who I am that can lead to clues about what I am experiencing on a deeper level. Interpreting signs in my life isn't something easy. The arc of a particular pattern will vary in length perhaps containing smaller patterns that you mistake for the ending of the larger one only to realize you are still moving inside of it and the end may never come. I feel like I am being to verbose and I often am but as always this blog serves to express my ideas not only to share with other but mostly for my own sake as I can learn something from my own writings that I may not learn just from thinking.