Out With the Old In With the New

As the circular nature of our world and our life continues we find ourselves at another predictable moment of celebration for an arbitrary occasion. As much as I like parties I have never been a big fan of obligatory soirees. Its too much pressure for me to have a good time when perhaps I just want to have a normal day. Maybe I am just holding on to old ideas that I have been thinking for years and maybe I am coming around on the whole thing but every birthday or holiday celebration always makes me feel like I have no choice in the matter. Acquiesce or face the stigma of going against the grain of not fitting in and being shunned by society(shunned might be a little strong). Perspective always enters into the conversation with me as I am constantly trying to better understand myself, others and our various motivations for our actions. Since I work in retail I find it necessary to fall in line when it comes to the pleasantries that people expect from me in that context. "Good morning", "have a nice day", "sure is cold outside", "what about that local sports team or other relevant information pertaining to our shared experiences". Despite that fact that I am the king of small talk and can over explain anything to my hearts content(this blog being a prime example of that) it gets boring saying the same things over and over again to the same people on the same days. I try to mix it up and give unusual, but coherent, responses to people's statements and questions but I only have so much energy to spend. After a long day at work talking to customers, or even coworkers, I often feel the need to socialize on a more informal level which usually involves me going to my favorite bar to strike up some interesting conversation with the other patrons. For those of you that don't spend much time drinking and talking, although I suspect none of you are reading this blog, you would be surprised how the conversation can wend and weave itself to all kinds of topics. Last night we talked about musical theory a subject I would not expect at a bar. At most bars much of what I overhear involves sports or nonsense, the two may be the same, for as we drink we digress or devolve into comfortable familiar and uncomplicated ideas; it just makes sense not to try and have intense interactions as our faculties are affected more and more by the alcohol. What does any of this have to do with anything? Everything! Our society is structured in predictable ways and most of what we do is scripted to an extent and as the new year fast approaches we are adhering to the script perfectly as we head to our various parties to ring in yet another arbitrary passage of time. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Me, myself, and I

As I turned another page trying to remember what I had just read moments ago, to maintain a common thread between ideas and characters all the while resisting the urge to turn back and read those pages again. Was it Sean or Paul? Lauren or Judy? So many questions so many perspectives. The previous sentences pertain to the novel "Rules of Attraction" by Brett Easton Ellis that I recently finished. Art reflects life and while this particular novel is not in sync with my life I remember those years of my life fondly and reminisce. I began reading again in earnest when VV brought Chad Kultgen and the afore mentioned Easton Ellis into my life. Two authors with similar perspectives but decades apart. Part of me thinks their writing demonstrates how we tell our life stories, especially how we tell it to ourselves(if that makes the slightest bit of sense). We all have an inner monologue, a narration of sorts where we think through ideas and feelings, where we justify and rationalize behavior to maintain our vision of ourselves, what was referred to in the movie The Matrix as residual self image or more simply identity. Identity can be fluid and constant as we have many personas to juggle between work, family, friends, community, etc. There is of course a connection between all of them where 'I' exist. I feel that concept is lost on some people who become to much of one aspect of who they are. Whether they are defining themselves through work, love, money, or any one of the many possibilities, it is too one sided and lacks perspective. Perspective is one of the greatest gifts we can get from other people. People who challenge our ideas of who we are, or who we think we are, what we think, how we form our beliefs(if we have any at all), and most importantly how we come to terms with our existence inside our collective reality.

Sharing is Caring

He we go off and running. I wish I could remember the events of the last few weeks with more clarity. All I know is it was a blast. Suddenly, nothing to do-more to do. Struggling to find a groove like a drunk DJ I pulled my shit together and became the best version of myself which entails energy and focus amid chaos and uncertainty. Perhaps my increased social schedule, or perhaps frustration with the status quo are the impetus for my improved outlook and general well-being. Reading has come back into my life thanks to VV and Chad Kultgen, the floor in my room emerged victorious after a harrowing battle with trash and dirty laundry and started wearing a new hat. What more can I say, its not like my life is more exciting but I feel better about it and more involved or active in how I choose to live. Now this week I am rewarded with a 'vacation' of sorts to California and some time away from 'life' as I know it and a chance to reflect and just spend some time doing something else. Anything. Just a break from the routine and environment to which I am accustomed, and then the inevitable realization that it is short lived as it blends into the rest of my life seamlessly. Another memory folded into my existence and I try to maintain the illusion that I understand what I do and why I do it since its all part of the master plan or some shit like that and have another beer cause that is the real reason I am here!

Remember When

As I searched through emails today making sure I remembered my friends correct birthday I found several emails that we wrote to each other through the years and especially after she moved and then I moved. Keeping in touch with some of my friends seemed easier when I was removed from the comfort of home and needed a touchstone to stem the loneliness I felt from really being away from home for the first time. Now that I live in Milwaukee again, back in my comfort zone, I find I am not as good at keeping in touch with people. Without someone familiar to see everyday and with more time alone I reach out to others much more effectively and I even wrote letters, yes actual hand written notes that the postal service would deliver to the individual based on their physical address, to people as I didn't have a way to make long distance calls for a while. When I was lonely I found ways to connect with my friends and family and now that I have a community again I am not as likely to reach out to those I haven't had contact with in a while. I feel like I don't make time to reach out to others and some part of me feels like I don't have the time, or at least the right time(meaning actual time of day) with my work schedule and the things I do in my free time and even things like cleaning my room that I don't make time for these days. All that is just one giant bullshit excuse of course since how we prioritize our time determines what we accomplish. At least I found time to write today.

Anyone still here? Am I still here?

I am in fact still here and gearing up for another night of league bowling while doing laundry that has been long overdue. Started writing a post a week or so ago that was interrupted and never resumed and it started something like this. Finally have the motivation to start writing again. I commented to a friend recently about my lack of writing this blog and how my usual method of finding a reason to write has escaped me of late. Rarely do i just sit down and start writing, as I am now, because usually a pattern of some kind emerges from the events of my daily life and then I write about that and how lately I have not seen those patterns emerge. Whether it is from a lack of attention payed to my life or to the details therein or from a lack of a recognizable patten I have not been writing. I then went on to suggest something that in retrospect seems a bit obvious and not very creative of writing about the lack of a pattern. Sounds like philosophical bullshit now but maybe it helped make it okay in my mind to sort of write about nothing in particular. JUST WRITE! Here I am in the middle of the post trying to find some thread that will tie it together but at the same time not really worried if one even emerges. My life since my last post has been really really colorful(to steal a line from a movie). Whirlwind would be a good term to describe some of the things that have happened in the last six or seven months. Freedom, carelessness, beer, golf, music, making out, theatre, pop, dancing, insanity, old friends, new friends, binge, purge, I could go on and on in fact I just did. These are some keywords or characterizations of how my life has wended and weaved its way to where I am today which while not far removed from my last blog post in time is a far far cry from how I live my life now and then. A polar shift of sorts might make more sense. Summer will continue to exert its unpredictable nature on my life and I will go on living and drinking and loveing and golfing...well you get the idea.